Hermione's Transformation
by Eyesuhkattspeleeng
Summary: Hermione is mysteriously evil. It could be because she's now pureblooded and hawt. With Draco and just about every canon male and quite possibly Buckbeat lusting after her, Hermione is a changed witch. But not everyone likes her new personality...DM/HG
1. Something's Amiss

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_Before we get started, there are a few things that you probably ought to know before reading this. First off: **This is just a work of fiction. I didn't think of any of the characters because J.k. Rowling did first.** Hell, I don't even think the plot belongs to me. Second: **This is a parody. I'm making fun of all the over done plot cliches in the Dramione department. If you like Dramione and don't have a sense of humor, then you probably shouldn't read this. **Thirdly: **This fic contains ALOT of offensive material. **So please don't leave a review bitching about how you were offended. It's all for a laugh, people. And yes, I do like offending people. Pissed off people are the spice of life. I also like making people laugh. Also, I'm asking you nicely to review. Good reviews, bad reviews, flames, I don't really give a fuck. I take them all and eat them all up. But I also get a kick out of flames so if you're trying to hurt my feelings by flaming me keep in mind that they aren't hurt and that I'm probably going to laugh at what a feckin' eejit you are. So with that being said, enjoy my twisted ranting and ravings. _

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**Chapter 1: Something Amiss **

Hermione Granger was sitting in her room reading a book, as per usual. She never did anything else, you fucking moron. EVER. That's all she did was read books. But the book she was reading now was that of a different nature. It was called, "How To Reinvent Yourself So You're Not Such a Fucking Loser." She didn't want to be known as the book worm anymore. She wanted to be a dirty, rotten, hateful little cunt. She'd already torn down the dorky Einstein posters from her wall and replaced them with _(Insert shitty American band here)_ posters. The book said it was important to shed her old self completely and to begin anew. Hermione thought it sounded easier than it really was. She had already established herself and she needed an opportunity. And that opportunity came when her parents called her down stairs.

"Hermione," her mother called from downstairs. Since Hermione had super sonic hearing, she heard her perfectly. "Please come down here, your father and I need to have a spontaneous conversation with you that will break your heart! Can't say much more cause that might take away the suspense!"

Hermione closed her book and flounced down the stairs. Her parents were sitting in the living room holding each other and trying to look like extremely supportive parents though they were both stifling giggles because the whole situation was clichéd. Hermione sat down on the piano bench and looked at her parents, wondering what they could possibly want to tell her.

"Well," her father started. "Your mother and I thought it would be best to tell you now before Death Eaters break into our house and kill us that you were adopted."

"Pardon me?" Hermione said, not sure she'd heard them right. Her mother smiled stupidly.

"Well, some one left you on our door step when you were like, four months old. Your father and I argued like crazy, trying to decide if we should keep you or take you to the pound. We finally decided to keep you when you turned five cause by that point, we'd fed you enough times you'd of just come back anyway."

"Yeah and then you started showing signs of magic and we were all like, 'that's fucking sweet,' and thought it would be funny to send you off to Hogwarts thinking you were muggleborn and what not."

Hermione blinked at her parents and couldn't help but think they were a bit retarded.

"Yeah," her mom interjected. "All those people ridiculing you even though you were one of them all along." Her father burst into a fit of laughter and shrieked, "LOL OMG!"

"Are you guys on fucking crack?" Hermione yelled, outraged by her parents behavior. Yes, right there in her parent's pristine little living room, with the couches wrapped in plastic and the little knickknacks that never seemed to collect dust, Hermione had the sudden urge to murder her parents violently but not before violating the both of them with a samurai sword, cause that would be fucking awesome.

"Nope, not crack, but I do have a bit of reefer hidden in my closet," her dad said. No, Hermione thought, they weren't a bit retarded. They were completely retarded. After the laughter died down, her mother turned serious.

"Anyway, we thought we should tell you that your real name is Mia Zabini. Blaise Zabini is your twin brother."

Hermione didn't ask how they knew about Blaise Zabini because millions of other questions flooded her mind.

"That can't be," she said. "Blaise Zabini is black, I'm white."

"There are no black people in the Harry Potter series, Hermione," her mother said slowly as though she were speaking to Helen Keller. "Everyone knows that it's just a bunch of good looking white people. Well except Snape. Snape is fucking hideous, but I'd still do him."

"Me too," her father said fondly. Hermione shook her head as though she were trying to get water out of her ears. She really didn't need that mental image right then. So much information, so little time to process it all.

"Kingsley Shacklebolt is black. Lee Jordan is black. Dean Thomas is black," Hermione said, her eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

"Yeah, well, no one writes about them anyway so therefore they don't really exist."

Hermione felt like taking the large vase that was sitting on the coffee table and hurling it at her mother.

"Oh yeah, and we're really Death Eaters. We've been harboring you all your life just so we can slaughter you," her father said as he tapped his nose. Hermione clammed up. Death Eaters? What in the fuck? Her mind immediately jumped to all the anti-Voldemort pamphlets she kept around the house…

"Only kidding darling," her mother said.

"You should have seen the look on your face though," her father said. "It was all like, 'OH MY GOD! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!' Best thing EVER!"

Hermione had reached her breaking point. She hoped whoever her real parents were weren't as fucking retarded as these set of parents were. She hopped up and flounced back up stairs and was grateful when Death Eaters broke into their house and murdered the Grangers' in a horrible fashion. 'Fucking idiots deserve it,' she thought. Hermione almost thanked them when they busted her door in and demanded that she join them or else she would die.

"Nah," she said. "Not today. I've got things to do first, but maybe later, k?"

And with that, she apparated to the Burrow where she knew she could complete her transformation safely.

XXX

Harry couldn't help but notice the change in Hermione. First off, she wouldn't talk to any one. Second off, she was wearing different clothes and her hair wasn't as bushy as it used to be. It was all sleek and curly and she'd suddenly developed curves in the right places. Harry found himself wanting to fuck her brains out but he knew it was wrong because Ron had dibs on her first. But then again, Ron had a hard time masturbating, how in the hell was he going to fuck Hermione?

Hermione was sharing a bedroom with Ginny, Harry's girlfriend. Hermione had taken it upon herself to redecorate Ginny's bedroom into something a little well suited for her self. She'd painted the walls black and had painted a very large upside down pentagram in blood red paint against one wall and had put up several "Cannibal Corpse," posters along with actual corpses of small animals and one unfortunate little garden gnome who was sacrificed to Satan to make sure that Hermione's enemies would die horrible deaths. Ginny wasn't aware, but Hermione had toyed with the idea of smothering her in her sleep just to see what it would be like to kill some one. Hell, she was pureblooded now; she could be evil if she wanted to.

One day, Hermione was sitting in her bedroom avoiding Ron who took every opportunity to tell Hermione how much he liked her and how good it felt to rub his crotch against her. This grossed Hermione out like nothing else but she couldn't rightly kill Ron because he had been diagnosed with Down's Syndrome seventeen years too late recently. Ginny came in the room, very flustered, and very angry and didn't even see Hermione as she went straight for her desk drawer and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Hermione smiled evilly, cause she was evil remember? Ginny lit one up and sighed a deep breath of relief. Hermione cleared her throat. Ginny jumped.

"Does your Mum know you do that?" Hermione asked, throwing down an issue of "Satanist Weekly" that she was reading on the bed. Ginny paled considerably.

"N-no," she stammered. "I thought you were outside with Harry and Ron?"

"Nope," Hermione said. "Ron keeps asking me to be his girlfriend. I keep telling him no, but he won't accept that for an answer."

"You won't tell will you?" Ginny pleaded. Hermione smirked cruelly and sexily cause she looked exactly like Emma Watson and was like, really, really pretty and stuff. She was forming a thought in her pretty little evil British mind.

"Well, " she started, trying to sound serious. "That depends. I won't tell if you keep Ron away from me. "

Ginny nodded gratefully. "Alright. Mum would murder me."

"That would be entertaining. Now hand me one of those. I've been dying for a smoke since I got here," Hermione demanded, stretching her perfect arm out. Ginny gave her the pack of cigarettes and Hermione took one and lit it with the tip of her wand despite the fact that she was only sixteen and wouldn't turn seventeen until September. How ever, there was no letter from the Ministry because the last time they sent her a warning letter, only a mere few days ago, Hermione had chopped the owl's legs off and sent him flying back, carrying his feet in his mouth as a warning.

"Ron is going to approach me at dinner," Hermione said, taking a thoughtful drag off the cigarette. "Do what you have to but keep his filthy mongoloid paws off of me, alright?" Hermione flicked some ashes on the bed, not really caring that she was actually on Ginny's bed and was making a huge mess.

"I thought you liked Ron," Ginny stated, furrowing her eyebrows, confused.

"Uh, no. Sick. He's too fugly plus he's a retard. I'm waiting for some one more…good looking and rich."

"Like who?"

"Do I look like fucking Trelawney to you, you dumb bitch? How in the fuck am I supposed to know?"

"Er no, but I thought you were foreshadowing."

Hermione gave her an ugly look. "I was but then you had to go and take us all out of the story, r-tard."

Ginny stubbed out her cigarette in an ashtray she kept hidden in the bottom of her drawer. Hermione stood and smiled sweetly at her as she patted Ginny on the cheek. Ginny was more than a bit shocked. Sure she knew that Hermione couldn't have it easy on account of her parents being murdered, but this…this was something completely different. The walls had been one thing…Ginny wasn't so sure she liked the idea but she wasn't about to go off on a girl who's parents had just died. The thing was, however, Hermione seemed perfectly happy, except she was slightly more…evil. There was something definitely amiss.


	2. SLEEP OVER SEXUAL TENSION TIME!

**Chapter 2: SLEEPOVER SEXUAL TENSION TIME!**

Draco Malfoy sat in his extremely large bedroom and looked at all the pictures of Hermione he had collected over the years. He wasn't supposed to like her, he knew, but he couldn't help it. He'd watched many muggle porno tapes and he especially liked the ones where the big jock types took advantage of the geeky book worm that had a great body underneath the long pleated khaki skirts and cardigan sweaters. Boy, could those girls suck some major cock.

He knew that he would never have her, not as long as he lived. He'd grow old and lonely because he was an ungrateful little fuck who had it good but needed something to complain about. Yes, my friends, Draco Malfoy was an emo fuck.

_Dear Diary,_

_Life sux, everything sux. My dad wants me to join the Death Eaters but how can I join an organization who wants to kill my beloved's kind? He buys me expensive stuff so I will join but how can I tell him? He'll disown me._

_Today, I washed my hair and blow dried it but my bangs won't do that flippy thing that I see all the cool kids on Myspace wearing. I know they're cool becuz they have like a jillion people on their friends' list. I wish I had a jillion people on mine and then I'd know I was loved. I finally got around to finding the perfect song for my profile. It's called "I'm not Okay" by MCR. MCR rocks. They added me as a friend today. I'm going to message them and tell them how much they rock and ask that they play my birthday party. I got the Blue Man Group to do my Bar Mitzvah so I can probably talk Dad into getting MCR for me._

_I think I'll go cut myself a little. Perhaps then people will listen when I tell them that I'm totally fucked up in the head. I'll show them._

_Love,_

_Dragon Boy._

Draco smiled sadly as he closed his journal and set his quill down. He purposely left it out in the open so his mother would read it when she cleaned his room, which was completely stupid. Narcissa wasn't the one who cleaned the house. He had noticed, though, that his house elves took to calling him Master Dragon Boy more recently. He found it odd that when ever they called him this they seemed to be snickering. He merely passed this off as them getting high in the kitchens at night. They blamed all the missing food on the rats but Draco knew better.

Suddenly, something began to vibrate violently in his pocket. He sat for a minute, letting it vibrate because it was right next to his crotch and he felt good. And then it stopped. He pulled his cellphone (despite the fact that Draco probably thinks a cellphone is some sort of packing material) out of his pocket and examined it. He'd just received a text message. It was from Blaise Zabini, his best friend.

_Hai, do u wnt 2 cum ova on Sat? Mi lng lost twin iz cumin ova 2 visit us. Mom just sent da owl to her._

Draco thought for a moment. Since when did Blaise have a twin? S/he never mentioned anything about a twin. If Draco could actually read, he might have read that the fact that his/her twin was long lost. Poor emo Draco never learned to read properly, thus his confusion. It was amazing that he was awarded Head Boy.

_Sure,_ Draco replied back._ Btw iz ur last name Zabini or Zambini?_

Blaise had lightening speed finger action so his/her reply was prompt. U kno…I'm not sure…

_C u Sat._

Draco started to wonder who this long lost twin could be. Draco just hoped that they weren't a hermaphrodite, like Blaise. He just hoped that who ever it was he would be able to fall in love with them. It didn't matter if they were male even; he had been featured enough in slash fictions he was comfortable with the fact that he was drop dead gorgeous when ever he had sex despite the gender of the sexee. There was even that one time when he'd gotten drunk and did Blaise and Blaise was a hermaphrodite. He swung both ways.

He fell asleep, despite the fact that it was one o clock in the afternoon (could be explained by the massive blood loss from the wounds he'd scratched into his arm with a dull butter knife as he is too much of a wimp to use something really sharp, like a katana or something.), dreaming about his Hermione and hoping that this fic would be predictable enough to make her Blaise's long lost twin.

SATURDAY SWEET FUCKING SATURDAY!

Lots of stuff happened to Draco between the day he got the text message from Blaise and Saturday. The author could go into a long rambling explanation but no one really wants to read about that. They'd rather read about how satisfyingly sexy Draco is but long story short: Draco found Jesus, lost his path, killed lots of mudbloods, found his way again and wrote in his diary some more. Run on sentence over. Draco prepared himself for meeting Blaise's long lost twin by taking a long hot steamy shower in which he washed his genitalia in great detail for four paragraphs, blow dried his hair so that it was messy and fell in his face in a sexy way that makes the fan girls wet themselves and then he flexed his quidditch toned muscles in the mirror for an hour.

REALLY LONG DESCRIPTION OF DRACO'S CLOTHING COMMENCING…BEEP BEEP BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.

Draco went through his wardrobe that rivaled that of a female teenaged rich pop star and found the absolute perfect clothes to wear. He finally picked out the perfect out fit and threw it on. He wore baggy Fubu jeans that hung off his ass and showed off his glorious silky boxer shorts with a long chain that dangled from his belt loop all the way down to his knee (Why he didn't use the chain as a belt cannot be explained. He's a trendy fuck, what can I say. Trendy fucks don't wear belts.), a tight black spandex t-shirt with a high collar with the words "SLYTHERIN SEX GOD" emblazoned in bright green letters on the front of it and a pair of Converse because Converse is timeless and no one really knows any other name brand shoes that white people wear.

"God, I'm sexy," he said as he winked at himself in the mirror.

"OHH DRAKIE! ME HUMPY ME HUMPY AND LOVE YOU LONG TIME!" Said his conspicuously stereotypical Asian fan girl mirror.

LONG DESCRIPTION OF DRACO'S OUTFIT AND RACIAL SLURS OVER….Beerrrrooooooopppuhhh….

Drake, as he now prefers to be called because Drake is a sexy name and all, went over to the Zabini/Zambini residence which was a HUGE mansion with a million rooms where the whole family plus a few people Drake knew from school were waiting.

"DRAKIE YOU LOOK SO SEXY!" Squealed Pansy Parkinson in an annoying manner. Drake actually hates her and doesn't like it when she constantly fawns all over him. Drake is no egocentric maniac. He's too sexy to have any flaws.

"Get away from me fatty," he said. "I'm in love with Blaise's long lost twin!"

"But you haven't met them yet. How do you know you're in love with them? I mean it's not like it will be some body we'll actually know!" Blaise shouted unnecessarily.

"I'll get my revenge on the whore!" said Pansy the fat slutty cow who was wearing clothes that showed off way too much blubber. She then disappeared because the author got tired of writing about her. One more thing: Pansy didn't shower or shave her legs thus making her less attractive to our hero.

The door bell rang suddenly and Blaise's adorably cute little brother and sister (who are twins) ran to the door as did Blaise, Grabbe, Coyle and Draco.

"Hi, we're cute and adorable and our parents aren't actually evil but are only pretending their death eaters and had to give you away for adoption because Voldemort was going to kill you. We answered the door because we're cute and want you to adore us even though we'll only appear in this chapter."

"Yeah. We're cute plot devices so the author doesn't have to type it all out," said the other.

"The author would rather have US explain it all in one sitting so she doesn't have to have a million different people being all emotional at once."

The girl at the door shrugged dully and stepped inside. No one could really see her because she hadn't made a dramatic entrance yet, oh and it was totally like midnight because that's the only acceptable time to make dramatic entrances.

"That's nice," she said. She stepped into the light and everyone's mouth dropped.

"GRANGER!" Blaise and Draco cried in unison. And then they began to stomp their feet, making howling noises and panting like in a comical cartoon when an attractive woman walks into the room. Blaise seemed to have forgotten that this was his/her long lost twin and the fact that s/he was thinking incestuous and quite possibly homosexual thoughts didn't seem to bother him/her. Grabbe and Coyle weren't important enough to speak. They merely dropped their pants and began to jack off.

"You're my long lost twin?" Blaise asked and began to scowl at all the other boys for staring at his/her sister in such a way. They couldn't help it though. Hermione -"Mia"- was wearing a short denim skirt that showed off her perfect toned tanned thighs (cause you know…staying indoors and reading all the time really gives those gluts a work out) from Abercrombie and Fitch that cost seventy galleons (A&F really broke out and reached everyone, even trendy witches), a black corset top that showed off her wonderfully blossomed cleavage from American Eagle that cost forty galleons, a pair of wooden wedges with pink fabric crossing her toes that cost forty five galleons at American Eagle. Underneath all of this she was wearing a lacy light pink see through bra with a matching thong. Her pubic hair was a deep black but she kept it trimmed so it was attractive and not bushy like in a seventies porno flick. Her skin cells were blocky and circular with bits of hair growing out of them. The author goes on and on about Hermione because everyone who reads fan fictions really cares about how she looks. In fact the author is WEARING what Hermione is wearing at THIS VERY SECOND! (No not really, the author is actually in a pair of Mickey Mouse boxers that her friend bought for her in Florida, probably at some ungodly gouged price and a blue halter top found at the thrift store for fifty cents because she has a rather nasty sunburn and is peeling and her boyfriend took it upon himself to start pulling flakes of skin off her shoulders causing her a large amount of discomfort and unbearable pain when anything touches the newly surfaced pink skin including sleeves. The author would also like to note that her boyfriend is a sadistic prick who only causes her discomfort when she's in pain because he told her last Saturday when they spent six hours at the park that she should wear sun block but did she listen? Nooooo….So now he has to rub it in her face the smug son of a whore. Actually his mother is a sweet wonderful lady whom the author loves very much…)

"I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but do you think you could get back to the story? I mean, I love reading author's notes in the middle of the story as much as the next person but it's really starting to get out of hand," the newly appeared Pansy said. And then the unthinkable happened: a very large piano clunked down on Pansy's head making a very comical noise as it crushed her fat body to smithereens and Pansy was no more. Well, at least for a few paragraphs any way.

Draco's heart pounded in his chest as he looked at the love of his life. He tried to act surprised that Hermione was Blaise's long lost twin sister but in reality he wasn't. He was surprised how ever to find Ginny Weasely being dragged around by Hermione on a red leash embedded with cheap rhinestones (Walmart five galleons).

"I hope you don't mind but I've brought my sla-er best girlfriend in the whole wide universe with me. We'll do girly stuff and squeal over boys and she'll eventually fall in love with Blaise," Hermione said. "But I won't be mad because if she marries Blaise because then we'll be sisters." Hermione shot Ginny a sadistic smile.

Ginny looked absolutely horrified at the thought. "But…I'm dating Harry…And wait just a second….where in the hell did I get all these designer clothes from? Abercrombie and Finch? American Eagle? South Pole?" Ginny looked down at her self and was appalled. "How can I afford this stuff? My mother is the typical Irish wife who cooks, cleans, and has babies! I can't afford all of this! My family must have starved for weeks so we could afford this!"

"Ginny, stop being so fucking canon before I bitch slap you and buss a cap in yo ass," Hermione said, glaring at her best friend. "You broke up with Harry."

"When?"

"Just now. He was abusive anyway."

Ginny had tears in her eyes as she said, "He was the most loving boy I'd ever been with! He'd never dream of hitting me!"

"He will when he finds out you're pregnant with Blaise's baby!" Hermione slung her beautiful sleek brown hair which was wavy and not curly (because there is a HUGE difference) over her shoulder. "But it's alright. I'll be there for support."

"I want to go home," Ginny sniffled. Hermione tugged at the leash, choking Ginny up a bit. Ginny let out a strangled yelp and began to whimper.

"We're using matching BFF tampons, we're so close," Hermione said.

"I'm not even on my period; she made me put it in! Oh GOD HELP ME!" Ginny screamed. No one listened. The only reason Ginny was even there was because A: Hermione was blackmailing her over the cigarette thing and B: she's useful for when Hermione is feeling down about her self and needs some cheering up.

"Here, let me show you into the living room," Blaise said. So in very. Choppy. Sentences. Hermione walked into the living room in a way in which the action didn't flow evenly. Hermione's real parents were sitting in the living room doing rich people things like reading a sophisticated news paper by the fire place and fornicating with lovers. The living room was done up in décor that the author had blatantly designed using the Sims because not only is the author a writer, fangirl and fashion designer; she's also an interior decorator.

"Mia! What a surprise!" Her beautiful mother said although she had written the letter inviting Hermione to come over. And then her real mother got all weepy and said lots of heart felt stuff that led to Hermione completely forgetting about her adoptive parents (She'd forgotten their names once they had died) and instantly loving this complete stranger who put her in a basket and floated her down the Nile (the author is also religious) because she was rich and could buy her long lost daughter lots of expensive stuff.

"So it's settled then!" Her father (who isn't actually her real father. Her real father will be revealed in a few chapters. Five points to who ever can guess who's her real father first). "You can stay in the room next to the one Draco stays in when he's over here which is ALL the time. "

"In fact, why don't you guys have an unsupervised sleepover tonight? Ginny can stay! Much sexual tension will ensue! But we're not worried. We're aware that you kids probably won't fornicate until you've had a couple of fights and realize you guys love each other after all."

"That was unbelievably easy," Blaise said.

"Well, things happen sooner if the parents don't put up a fight. Any good writer knows that. Besides, we're COOL parents, duh!"

So the four teenagers bounded up the stairs in the extremely large, expansive mansion to their rooms. The girls went to go change and the boys went to their rooms to go change as well. Ginny changed into an outfit picked out by Hermione and all the while she was changing, she cried. She couldn't help but feel like she'd been abducted. She'd admit she was scared because Hermione was acting so strangely. Had she gone completely nuts after her parents died? Was just this all a plot by Voldemort? Before she could finish her thought, three girls appeared in the room.

"Who in the hell are you?" Hermione asked. The three girls giggled. One of them was blonde and was wearing a halter top from Old Navy with a pleated short khaki skirt with flip flops, the other had light brown hair with pink streaks and was wearing a pair of baggy capri's with zippers all over them and a light green tank top with the words "SK8R GRL" printed on it with a pair of pink converse (note that she resembles a certain Canadian singer a great deal) and the other had dark brown hair and was wearing a pair of low rise flare jeans and a local High school basketball t-shirt with a pair of black converse.

"We're the Slytherin Sue Squad! We're the most popular girls in Slytherin and since you'll know doubt be re-sorted into Slytherin because you're actually a pureblood and everyone knows that purebloods are only in Slytherin-" The blonde one said. She was obviously the leader.

"I'm pureblooded and I'm in Gryffindor," Ginny interjected. The three just stared at her and Hermione stomped over and pulled her up by the hair with surprising strength. Ginny shrieked.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BEING CANON?" Hermione bellowed.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Hermione let her go and Ginny went and locked herself in the extremely large walk in closet with lots of clothes and MILLIONS of shoes, where she stayed for the rest of the chapter.

"Anyway," the blonde continued completely ignoring the display of horrible abuse that had just taken place. "I'm Pansy Sue, " she pointed to the girl in the "punk" get up "That's Leah Sue, she's in love with Aiden Stu (I'll explain that here in a minute) and this is Zoe Sue, she's on the Quidditch team and is in love with Draco."

"I thought you were in love with Draco," Hermione said. Pansy, who was skinny and attractive now and obviously not dead anymore, giggled girlishly.

"Oh no. I'm in love with Blaise. I also have a multiple personality disorder."

Suddenly, five boys busted into the room and began spraying the girls with canned whip cream. The girls began to shriek. The boiz were dressed in identical silky black boxers that showed off their pale white six packs (and in Blaise's case, his/her boobs as well). Over all, they all looked extremely sexy. Some where during all of this, the girls managed to change into their pajamas. Hermione was wearing silky black booty night shorts (not to be confused with the ever popular NiteNite No Mess Night Shorts) and a plain white black wife beater. Pansy was wearing cotton Spongebob pajama bottoms with a matching baby doll t-shirt. Leah was wearing Captain Jack Sparrow pajamas and Zoe, the jock slut, was wearing a simple silky night gown that barely covered her ass with spaghetti straps. Finally all the ruckus died down and the two new boys were able to introduce themselves.

"We're the Slytherin Stu Squad. We're like the Slytherin Sue Squad only male. Except for Blaise…s/he's in between," said an especially sexy (but not more sexy then Draco) boy with dark brown hair and gorgeous emerald eyes. "I'm Aiden Stu and the other guy you don't recognize is Derrick Stu." A boy with light black eyes and longish (but not girly) blue and black hair (the blue streaks set his eyes off sexily) waved sheepishly at her.

"Who wants to watch a movie?" Pansy suddenly asked. The girls all squealed and the guys all acted as though it were lame but agreed any way because all guys think everything girls want to do is lame but really don't think so.

"So what should we watch?" Pansy asked. Suddenly an eighty inch plasma screen television appeared on the wall and dozens upon dozens of totally lame DVDs flew into the room. Pansy reached down and scooped up a few. "Okay, we've got 'The Ring', 'With Out A Paddle', 'Stereotypical Teen Romance Movie Title' and 'The Pirates of the Caribbean.' I think we should choose one comedy for the girls and one scary movie so all the girls can get scared and have the guys comfort them. We need more sexual tension!"

* * *

WHICH MOVIES SHOULD OUR WILD TEENAGERS CHOOSE! I'M LETTING YOU DECIDE! LEAVE A REVIEW WITH TWO MOVIES: ONE HORROR FILM AND ONE COMEDY! BEST ONES WIN. Lawl.

**I should mention that I started a project like this a long time ago on HPFFcom but it got deleted because it was too much. I decided to rewrite it and spruce it up a bit so it's probably alot more offensive then the original. The original was called "Hermione Turns Evil." It was slightly different than this but I've kept some of the same concepts. This is probably alot more stupid then the original was, but what ever. I'm just taking out my frustrations about the crappy world of fanfiction by writing a crappy parody, the best way I know how. And it is alot of fun. You should try it sometime. The inspiration for this chapter was inspired by a particularly moronic fanfiction called "A Zabini Revealed," so I'm going to credit it right here. **


	3. Abusive Harry AWAY!

**THIS IS A MUST READ DISCLAIMER. IF YOU DO NOT READ THIS BEFORE READING THE CHAPTER I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU READ IT AND EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER OF 'MY IMMORTAL' SO READ THIS! DO NOT IGNORE THIS!! **

**VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: _Right-o. So...you're probably wondering why I'm making you read this. There is some VERY incriminating content in this chapter. It is not my intent to make fun of black people. The purpose of some of the offensive material you will read is actually making fun of white people who either a: ignore the fact that black people even exist or b: go over board with it. I apologize to any BLACK people who might be reading this and take offense. However, I will not apologize to any white person who gets all pissy because they have "black friends." We all have black friends. You're not that special. That's a stupid white person saying and it doesn't fly by me. So if I get any reviews that say, "O well, I have black friends, you're a racist," then I will sit there and laugh at you. I'm not a racist so don't accuse me of being one. I hate everyone equally no matter what color your skin is. That's all. Enjoy!_**

**Chapter Three: Abusive!Harry AWAY!**

The author inexplicably decided that the whole sleep over thing was stupid and would rather not have to spend another chapter writing about the stupidity of teenagers with too many hormones. We all know where this will lead. So, the author will explain what happened in one word. TheyallwatchedtwomoviesonecomedyonehorrorandDracocouldn'thelpbutnoticethatHermionewassuckingDerrciksStu'sdickandgotjealousandsuckedAidenStu'sdickandthenrememberedthathe'snotexactlyhomosexualsoheaskedZoeSueoutwhichwastotallypredictableandnotverysurprisingtomakeHermionejealousbutitdidn'tworksonowDracohastocomeupwithanotherplanofaction.

**The Hogwarts Express: September 1st.**

Hermione and Ginny found an empty compartment on the train. They began to settle in as the train took off. Pretty soon, Hermione grew bored and demanded that Ginny let Hermione braid her hair.

"But it's already braided," Ginny said, tugging at her French braided pig tails. Hermione scowled.

"I wasn't talking about the hair on your head," Hermione replied snidely. "Pull your pants down. Let's see if the carpets match the drapes."

Ginny sat horrified. She was about to protest when Ron and Harry entered the compartment and sat down beside them. Harry threw an arm around Ginny and for a second, Ginny felt as safe as she'd ever felt in her life. She saw Hermione glaring at the two of them. And then she felt scared. It wasn't Hermione that was scaring her, it was Harry. Harry's arm was now crushing her windpipe.

"WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN YOU STUPID SLUT?" He screamed at her. Ginny responded to this by turning a deep shade of purple and making a gurgling noise. "I TOLD YOU TO STAY WITH ME AT ALL TIMES! NO BOY WILL EVER LOOK AT YOU AGAIN! YOU WILL MARRY ME AND STAY ON YOUR BACK CONSTANTLY EITHER SATISFYING MY NEEDS OR BIRTHING MY CHILDREN! ME TARZAN YOU JANE!" And then he let go, and Ginny took deep grateful breaths as she collapsed to the floor. She lay on her stomach and pressed her face into the ground, hoping the carpeted floor would suffocate her. It didn't work as she figured out how to breathe through her ears which was really odd and something she thought was physically impossible. Ginny was aware of voices talking but she couldn't hear them. She pressed her fingers into her ears and waited for death, sweet carpety death. Ginny knew she was about to die when she closed her eyes and saw her old Uncle Bilius ahead of her. It was like she was moving up an escalator. Right when she passed Uncle Bilius, he reached behind her and gave a sharp pinch on her bum. Ginny looked back at him and gave him a look and he grinned toothlessly like the dirty old man he was. Then he lifted his robes up, proudly displaying the fact that he wasn't wearing any underwear. Ginny gave a shriek of terror upon viewing his old wrinkly…well…you know. That was when Ginny decided she really didn't want to be dead any more so she lifted her face from the floor. Hermione was staring at her strangely but Harry and Ron were absent.

"Where's Ron and Harry?"

Hermione took off her headphones and said, "Sorry, I was listening to Ashlee Simpson. Now what did you say?"

Ginny shrugged and got back in her seat. Her mind still had fresh images of her Uncle Bilius' junk running through it. She shook her head, trying to rid her self of these images. Death sucked too, apparently. Ginny's thoughts were interrupted as Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini entered their compartment in their usual sexy manner. Today Draco was dressed head to foot in labeled clothing. Everything he wore bore a large logo on it, despite the fact that he was emo and against the main stream. The author decided that Blaise Zabini should be black and male for at least a little while because she doesn't want people to think that she's a racist. (Which she's not. She loves black people. In fact, she'd rather be black then white cause everyone knows that white people suck.) He was decked head to foot in South Pole clothing that clung to his chest showing off his sexy chocolate six pack. He also looked a bit like Usher cause Usher is one of the only black men that white women find sexy. Blaise had a big box of KFC chicken under his arm and was munching on a leg, spewing crumbs sexily everywhere as he took large bites.

"Sup baby girl?" He said to Ginny. Ginny being the white girl that she was grew afraid. It's not because she didn't like black people but the fact that black men were rumored to have elephant dicks scared her. He sat down beside her and threw an arm around her. Draco sat next to Hermione but stayed on the other side of the seat, far, far away from Hermione. Even though he was trying to act like Hermione had cooties (In fact he even told her as he sat down that his hair was much to precious to inhabit dirty lice who didn't pay the bills and tore every thing apart. He eyed Blaise suspiciously as he said this) he still loved her deep down in side. In fact, if he hadn't of drunken a forty with Blaise before he got on the train, he might have been able to think of a love poem that described Hermione's glittering tawny hair and ended in tragedy, like him slitting his wrist with an electric razor.

"Potter nearly killed her," Hermione said dully as she pulled off her headphones.

"Damn, where'd you get that?" Blaise asked as he bent forward to examine Hermione's purple and pink butterfly decorated iPod.

"Oh about ten years in the future," Hermione shrugged.

"Fo real? Seriously, that's fly," Blaise said. He began to spout off more nonsense that was completely incomprehensible to any white person (white people have a sort of invisible hearing aide. When ever a black person talks the hearing aide gets turned down to the lowest volume thus making anything the black person says a jumbled language of what sounds like Chinese and Australian put together) resulting in Draco defending his cat's honor. Once the confusion had been cleared and Blaise stuffed his pistol back into his baggy jeans, Hermione spoke.

"Any one know who made Head Boy? I made Head Girl," she said in a snooty boastful voice. Draco's black abyssal heart became a planter for rainbows, pink teddy bears and cute anime babies when he heard this.

"Draco did," Blaise said. He was now white again because the author is afraid of the Black Panthers hunting her down for making Blaise so stereotypically offensive. (Racism is no joke, folks. It doesn't matter what color your skin is because we're all the same shade of sickly pinkish reddish on the inside.)

"Oh great," Hermione sighed. "Just what I wanted. To spend a whole year locked in a dorm with Ferret Boy."

Draco felt as though his heart was Tokyo and that Godzilla was stomping all over it as people ran around screaming words that didn't quite match the voice over. Draco, Drake, Dragon Boy, what ever the hell you want to call him, knew sarcasm when he heard it and he'd never felt so cold and frozen in his life. He shook his head and messed up his hair so that his bangs fell in his face. He did this because he did not want people to see him crying. It didn't work however.

"Are you fucking crying?" Hermione asked with her nose scrunched.

"Yes you Mudblood bitch! I'm sitting on the open wounds that my father tore on my ass this morning," he quickly lied. Women liked a tortured soul right? They always wanted to fix a man and convinced themselves that they can make all the difference in the world.

"First off, Malfoy, I'm not a Mudblood, never was, never have been. So you can shut the fuck up before I shut you the fuck up. Second off, your father doesn't beat you. In fact, I rather think he doesn't beat your spoiled ass enough. The whole tragic child abuse thing doesn't work on me. I'm immune to that bull shit. "

And thus, that was the uneventful ride to Hogwarts. The author decided it was time for the feast in the Great Hall because she's a huge glutton and likes to write about eating. The author cannot wait for Thanksgiving.

It was raining outside and flashes of abyssal lightening flashed across the ceiling mainly because the author likes the word abyssal though she has no clue how that can in any way describe lightening.

**exzeeexzee  
**

The teachers sat in front of the Great Hall, looking down at the students from their high seats talking of past sexual encounters, changed school policies, students and other things, like whether or not Filch was boinking his cat on a regular basis. The topic was subjected to change because every single last one of them were stoned after the coffee can joint they'd all smoked courtesy of Professor Sprout.

"You know, I wouldn't at all be surprised if he was," Professor Sprout said as a bit of boiled liver or what ever disgusting English food she was eating slid slowly down her chin. "Probably in the butt. Filch strikes me as the type that likes anal."

"Indeed. The other day I caught a whiff of him, he smelled faintly of cat anus," Professor McGonagall said. The rest of the teachers stared at her. "What? My animagus form is a cat. How do you think I wipe after I drop the kids off at the sandbox?"

Suddenly none of the other teachers were hungry any more. No one dared to talk about cat ass any more after that. Rather, they took to discussing who the next DADA teacher was, as who ever Dumbledore had hired had not shown up. No doubt, they were angling for a dramatic entrance.

"I just hope it's a female, who ever it is," Flitwick said, wheezing slightly at the thought. He had been planning on seducing who ever it was with his gnomish charm.

"Butter squash," Dumbledore said wisely. He smiled as he dumped a heaping pile of salt into his spoon and ate it. "Pork rinds never go bad you know." Everyone nodded as if they understood exactly what he was talking about, though no one did. Everyone wondered why the senile old bastard hadn't been put in a home yet. "I believe that everyone is a pork rind on the inside."

"So Professor, what on earth made you make Malfoy and Granger head boy and girl?"

"Oh well, you know all the usual reasons as in any other fan fiction. Trelawney made a prediction that they'd be together and make a powerful couple, what with Miss Granger's new found hotness. That and I've been thinking of opening a match making service since my recent reality show involving gang bangers and Christian house wives trading places didn't work." Dumbledore opened his glittery pink robes and pulled down his under shirt where a series of bullet wounds in the pattern of a crucifix marred his chest. "At any rate, being the meddlesome old fool that I am, and a romantic at heart, I decided that by forcing them to live with each other they might realize that they love each other, because they actually do you know. They just don't know it. "

"About the Head Boy and Girl living quarters," Professor Snape started. "I've been meaning to ask if you think it wise to keep two members of the opposite sex in personal private quarters. You know, I've actually been meaning to rally to make it so that boys and girls won't be able to see each other at all while they're at school together, being as I'm mean and all. It might take care of the schools gruelingly high teen pregnancy rate."

"Nonsense, Severus. Sex is the spice of life and kids are wonderful. Babies don't ruin bright futures at all. Do you remember how many babies Sirius Black fathered during his sixth and seventh years? That was a fun year."

"He owes me back support," McGonagall said. "He kept denying he was the father, but I never loved any one else but him."

"You should have gone on the Maury Show," Sprout said as something black squished between her teeth as she chewed horribly.

"Yes, the chance at publically broadcasting your ignorance on national television is an opportunity that one should never miss," Dumbledore said. And then he stood and clinked his wine glass several times until everyone quieted down. Well almost everyone. Lavender Brown was talking obnoxiously loud from the Gryffindor table. Dumbledore pulled a lemon drop from his pocket and chunked it at her head. He nailed his target. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'VE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!" Lavender Brown instantly quieted. "Thank you. I'd like to congratulate Mr. Malfoy and Miss Granger on their newly appointed positions of Head Boy and Girl. Now as all of you may know, they will be sharing a private dorm room which pwns all of the dorms put together. It's really nice. I'd like to merit the opportunity for both the Head Boy and Girl to stick their tongues at all of you and go, 'Neenerneenerneener,' or 'Nannernannerbooboo,' which ever they prefer. If both Heads will meet with Professor McGonagall after supper that would be greaattttt." Dumbledore took a sip of coffee.

"I swear if he doesn't give me my brass cauldron back I'll burn the whole school down," Severus muttered from beside him.

"Other than that, all the usual crap, some obvious items are expressly forbidden in the hallways now, as per Filch's orders. Also, due to high demand, the internet is now available in Hogwarts now, all due thanks to Al Gore for inventing it to begin with. Also, this year Hogwarts will be hosting a Halloween Costume Party, A Yule Ball, a Valentines Day Dance and a Good Luck Banquet for all departing Seventh Years. That's all for now."

"Who's the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher?" Some one called from the crowd.

"Oh," Dumbledore said. "That's right. Couldn't find any one so I gave Dobby the post."

Flitwick fainted.

**Asterisks cubed**

McGonagall led Hermione and Drake to the Head Boy and Girl's dorm room after supper was finished. Despite her new found, hateful, beautifully uncaring personality, Hermione was a little excited about being Head Girl though it wouldn't help her modify her image. For one, she would be in a position of power, which was a good thing. For another, she'd have her own living quarters, though she was having to share it with the self obsessed, rich snob, manic depressive, racist psycho whom was in love with her, it was still better than sleeping in the Gryffindor dorms.

For most of her days at Hogwarts, Hermione, Mia, what ever, had to share a room with Pavarti and Lavender, or the screeching twin harpies as Hermione secretly referred to them as. They were always squealing over everything, a new set of robes, a cute boy, a kitten, finding shapes in their foods or what have you. They both smelled vaguely of chemical hair care products and when they weren't talking of new hairstyles, they were gleefully predicting their own deaths as they both held unhealthy obsession with Trelawney. The year before they had told Hermione she was going to be murdered and then was going to be eaten by Hagrid after he found and had sex with her dead corpse.

Finally, the trio approached a large brick wall with a lone portrait hung upon it. It was hard to make out at first but once they stopped in front of it, Hermione was able to make out the gruesome portrait. It featured a young woman with greasy sandy blonde hair and a rather large nose. She was perched in front of a computer, scowling deeply through her thick rimmed maroon, dirty cat eye shaped glasses. The young woman was clicking away furiously on the computer, completely oblivious to the mounds of fast food wrappers and empty Redbull cans that were strewn about all over the place. It appeared that the girl hadn't seen sun light in about a century as she was very pale and had thick circles underneath her eyes. The blue glow of the computer screen only made her face appear more eerie than it probably really was.

"Goddamn twink rogues!" She suddenly shouted as she picked up the mouse and slammed it back on the desk again. "Dead! Fucking dead! Apparently no one knows how to fucking defend but me! Stupid fucktards!"

"Excuse me, Shari?" McGonagall said. The girl looked up and scowled at them.

"What? I'm fucking busy."

"This is our new Head Boy and Girl, Draco Malfoy and Mia Za- Zam- uhh…"

"Wait up a second. I know you did not just say 'Head BOY and GIRL,' you sexist old hag. Pussy power!" Shari raised her fist to Mia in a sort of salute but Mia stared back blankly at her. The girl slowly put her first down looking quite dejected. McGonagall seemed quite unbothered by the fact that Shari had just called her a sexist old hag.

"Yes, well have at it you two," McGonagall sighed looking quite bored. "You will find anything you need here."

"Can I have one of those?" Drake asked, pointing at Shari's top of the line super computer from 2008. "I want to check my Myspace. I hope some one commented my new pics. I'll be completely destroyed if no one has. Plus I need to check and see if MCR can play at our Hallween thingie we're doing. I've left them like a ton of messages.

"Sure why the hell not," McGonagall said as she lit a cigarette and took a long grateful drag off of it. "Anyway, Dumbledore got a new Hookah and he's been begging me to come help him christen it. Later." She hurried off down the hall way and out of site. The Head Boy and Girl stared blankly at the portrait, wondering how to get inside.

"Um…could we possibly get inside?" Mia asked finally.

"Oh yeah…" said Shari. She cleared her throat and straightened her posture. Something plastic crinkled as she shifted. Drake and Mia looked at each other, completely confused again. "Oh right. I need to think of a new one…right then…uhh…house unity and what not…crap…something lame and obvious…" Shari muttered, looking quite pensive.

"How about Slytherdore?" Drake suggested hopefully. Shari gave him a look and a sharp resounding noise that echoed through the empty hallway did, indeed, confirm that Hermione had just smacked Draco round the back of his head. Draco looked quite hurt at this and seemed to be on the verge of tears as he rubbed the back of his pale blonde head.

"Look," Shari said with a sigh. "Let's just go on an honor system here. No password. It makes it easier for you two to sneak people in thus making it less complicated for some teen sex to happen. Plus I'm trying to get a set of epic pvp gear for my lock and I can't get anything done with you two waltzing in and out all the damn time. Deal?"

"Deal," Hermione said with an evil smirk. "You go pwn those noobs and we'll leave you alone. Come one, Dragon Turd." Hermione grabbed Draco by the arm and pulled him into the common room, thusly ending chapter three.


	4. The 90 Year Old Virgin

**Before we get started, this chapter is a Twilight crossover. I know a lot of people like Twilight but I cannot stand it, so therefore if you like Twilight and you think any one who hates Twilight is Satan or some thing, then you probably should not read this chapter because yes, I've gone and slammed it hard in this particular chapter. Flames because I have done this will be responded to on my LiveJournal page, the link can be found in my profile as my home page link. **

**Also a lot of you will find that this chapter is very different from the rest of the story and contains some graphic violence. **

**Credits: Everything Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, everything Twilight related belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I am not trying to gain any money from writing this. The rest of the credits will be featured at the end of this chapter as to not give anything away. **

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_**Chapter 4: The 90 Year Old Virgin**_

Not that it mattered, the first few weeks of school went by completely normally. There were the normal classes that they all took but no one really wanted to read about them. The teachers gave everyone a sadistic amount of homework that Hermione made Ginny do despite the fact that Ginny was in the year below them and Hermione's work was far too advanced for her tiny averaged sized brain.

It wasn't until the second week of school that something did happen.

As it so happened, Hermione rather enjoyed sharing her living quarters with Draco for some reason. Between Draco and Ginny, Hermione never had to do a damn thing. Ginny was still being black mailed and therefore did not have a choice and Draco was in love with her so it didn't take much persuading to get him to do what she wanted him to. He walked her to all of her classes like a love sick puppy dog though he called her rude names just for show.

One day, before supper, Draco, Ginny and Mia made their way back to the Heads' Quarters. Ginny was lagging behind away behind them, keeping her head down and not speaking to any one.

"You're a ferret," Draco said to Hermione as they approached the portrait of Shari.

"No, you're a ferret," Hermione replied back snidely. "Mad Eye Moody turned you into one back in fourth year, remember?"

"Oh, that's right. Well you're a busy haired know it all," Draco said, squinting scornfully at her. Hermione just stared at him. She'd long since had her hair straightened permanently by her American cousin, Vivika Granger and she was staying off the books indefinitely. "Hey, Shari, what are you reading?"

The three of them all looked up at the portrait. Shari's portrait had completely changed. She was no longer sitting in front of a computer. The back drop had changed drastically. She was sitting on a toilet, her pants down around her ankles as she grimaced and flipped a page in a book sitting in her lap. Now that the lighting was sufficient in the portrait, Shari's appearance had changed quite a bit. For instance, she wasn't quite as pallid as she'd been in front of the computer. Her hair had been washed apparently too as it wasn't as stringy looking as it was before. Shari looked up and scowled.

"What happened to your other portrait?" Hermione inquired, quite confused.

"I had to take a crap," Shari shrugged. "Besides my therapist doesn't think I should sit in front of the computer any more. She says I'm having trouble deciphering between reality and a fantasy world which is a crock of shit." She shifted on the toilet, revealing a red ring around her rather large pale butt cheeks. "You challenge some one to a naked fist duel in public and suddenly you're labeled an escapist. I thought it would get the waitress some good tips."

"Oh, my god," Draco said suddenly. He brought his hands up to his mouth and began to breathe loudly and giggle. "Are you reading 'Twilight'?" Shari looked down at her book and shrugged. "Oh…my god. I LOVE 'Twilight'! I didn't know you were a fan!"

"I'm not," Shari stated. "The only reason I'm reading this is because my stupid boyfriend insisted I try reading it before I decided to hate it completely. This is book is full of fail."

Draco's face fell into a puckered frown.

"It's amazing! How can you say such horrible things about it?"

"Uh, no. I have to resist the urge to go through it all and scratch huge parts of it out so I can rewrite it. All it is one huge fantasy of the author's about fucking a sparkly vampire. Vampires don't sparkle, Malfoy!"

"What the hell is 'Twilight'?" Hermione asked. If it was a book, she was surprised she hadn't read it all ready.

"Oh boy…" Shari said as she rolled her eyes.

"It's only the most epic series, ever! It's about this girl who moves to this town and falls in love with this vampire and then…" Draco started hyperventilating again. "It's…just…beautiful…I wonder what it would be like if Bella and Edward came to Hogwarts…"

"Oh fuck," Shari said, her eyes wide with horror. "No! God no! You have no idea what you're doing, Malfoy!"

Before Draco could reply, the whole castle began to shake. Ginny let out a terrified scream as the lanterns began to flicker and sway. Loud clattering clashes could be heard coming down the hallway as several statues and suits of armor fell over. And then it went completely dark.

"What in the fuck?"

"Oh god! Kill me now!" Shari's voice moaned from the wall. "He's brought them here…"

"Who?" Hermione asked. The lights flickered back on and suddenly a voice crackled through the hallways.

"If all students would report to the Great Hall, I have a special announcement to make!"

Hermione looked at Draco who looked blissfully confused and then back at Shari who had turned pale and was rocking back and forth upon the toilet, clutching her knees and muttering to herself. Hermione shrugged and turned around, heading towards the Great Hall.

No one in the Great Hall seemed to know what was going on. Once everyone had filed in, Dumbledore stood before the crowd in front of the room. Two strangers, one male, one female, stood behind him. This sent everyone talking at once. Dumbledore pulled out a gun and fired it into the air causing several people to jump up and scream.

"Thank you, now if I could just have every one's undivided attention…"

"Hey look," some one called from the crowd. "It's Cedric! Cedric's back everyone!"

"Uh, no," Dumbledore said, stuffing the gun in his bright rainbow colored robes. "Cedric's still dead, retard. This is Bella Swan and Edward Cullen." The two people stepped forward, holding hands.

"You sure he ain't Cedric," said Lonny Earl, the hillbilly foreign exchange student. He was squinting, trying to get a good look. "Sure does look like him. Sure does smell like 'm too. That Cedric Diggory sure did know how to smell good."

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Dumbledore suddenly swore. "Whose lemon drops do I have to suck to get a little fucking respect?"

"Ya'll can suck mine if ya'll want," Lonny Earl said, whittling at a piece of wood from his seat. His straw hat shaded his face and left an odd looking shadow on his overalls, which he was wearing nothing underneath. "I'm tolerant of yor sexual preferences 'n the like. Intolerance shore does make me want to put on the ole' white sheet and go lynchin'…"

Dumbledore covered his wrinkled face with his hand and shook his head slowly. "I swear to freaking God, Lonny Earl, if your brother wasn't your father…."

"Or if my sister tweren't my mother," Lonny Earl drawled.

"Anyway," Dumbledore said, straightening out and regaining his composure. "They will be visiting Hogwarts for the next year. It truly is an honor to get to know two such individuals. Edward, you see, is a vampire and Bella…well Bella is just…" Dumbledore stopped short. The girl, Bella, suddenly flat on her face. In the process she managed to bring down a lit torch on top of herself, thusly lighting her hair on fire. She rolled around on the floor, screaming and writhing in front of an audience who found themselves too amused to help. Edward merely stared blankly ahead causing every girl in the room to form a river in their panties. Even Madam Hooch who was a militant lesbian found her self aroused by this vampire. Bella finally managed to douse out the flames herself. She stood up next to Edward again, the top of her head smoking violently still.

"I'm okay," she groaned. "No one panic…" She grabbed Edward's arm to steady herself as she found herself about to fall down again.

"Don't touch me, "Edward hissed. "You know we can't be together…you know I might end up killing you!"

"But Edwarrrrdddddd," Bella whined and stomped her foot.

"But I know you will perpetually whine at me if I don't please you…" Edward looked quite torn. No one, not even Dumbledore knew quite what to make of this little…display. "And if I ever have any hopes of losing my virginity…"

"Right…moving on…" Dumbledore said, edging away from the couple. "These two will be attending Hogwarts and everyone is to treat them with the upmost respect because they out rank all of you because they have a more rabid fan base than us and therefore if we mistreat them in the slightest we will all be doomed to a bunch of annoying fangirls who have no sense of what real writing is flaming us…"

The enchanted ceiling flared up, violently orange all of the sudden as an omen. The students looked terrified.

"If ya'll want me to, I can go round up Roy and the boys and we could have us a good ole' fashioned lynchin'…" Lonny Earl slapped a crowbar on his palm threateningly as two stupid looking boys who'd appeared out of nowhere cracked their knuckles next to Lonny Earl.

"Goddamn it, Lonny Earl," Dumbledore said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "You can't lynch fan girls! I hate you! The only reason you're allowed at this school is because we get more funding if we allow you to attend!"

"Johnny Boyd knows how to troll," Lonny Earl chucked his chin up at the boy on his left. "We'll make them fan girls' fanfiction look somethin' awful."

"Fine," Dumbledore sighed. "You and Roy n' the boys can go troll some fanfictions. Just get out of my sight."

"Weee doggy! Johnny Boyd, you go get Roy 'n the boys. Jesse, you go get us some bootlegged moonshine from my granpappy!"

--

Shari glared haughtily down at Draco and Mia. She was no longer sitting on a toilet but was rather in the bathtub now, smoking a cigarette, legs splayed out. One hung over the edge of the bathtub while the other was stretched taut on the front wall with her toes nearly touching the shower head. There was a big green bottle sitting next to the bathtub and by the angry, sloppy demeanor she seemed to be portraying –"Row row row your dick, gently down the twat, merrily merrily, oh go fuck yourself you fucking horn dog, I'm not into it,"- one could only assume that Shari was drunk.

"I hate you," she sneered at Draco. "Where are they?"

"Where's who?" Draco asked, innocently.

"If I weren't a fucking painting, I'd so kick your ass right now," Shari slurred and tried to sit up as the bubbles that were piled to her chin, shifted and popped. It was a struggle. She tried to grab the towel rack but missed and fell back down into the bubbles with a large splash, causing water to slap over the edges of the tub. "You know who I'm talking about."

"Oh you mean Edward and Bella?"

"Yeah, those twats."

"Don't call them twats, Shari," Draco said, his eyes closed. "They're wonderful, interesting people."

"Are not. One's a whiny titty baby and the other is a sparkly vampire. There's nothing neither wonderful nor interesting about that, shit for brains. And it's all your fucking fault that they're here!"

"Pardon me," a voice said. Shari, Draco and Mia looked up to see that Bella and Edward had approached from behind. "The headmaster said that we were to stay with the Head Boy and Girl."

"Oh no," Shari said, wide eyed. "Oh, _hell _no!"

Draco let out a squeal of glee as he enveloped Bella into a crushing hug. Mia just sat, staring at Edward, trying to decipher if her hotness outranked his, which it did not, though she came pretty close to being a female version of Edward cause she was all hawt and perfect.

"Oh yes, you can stay in my room, I'll bunk with Mia," Draco said, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. He looked like an over eager Chihuahua that peed if it got too excited.

"Goddamn it!" Shari said. "I swear to god, I'm going to _kill _Dumbledore!" She hopped out of the bathtub, well poised for being extremely intoxicated, threw a long yellow towel over herself and ran out of the portrait.

Once inside the common room they shared, Draco began showing Bella and Edward around. Neither of them said anything nor did it seem as though they were paying attention to Draco. They looked rather confused, the both of them, more so Edward.

"I've been here before," Edward said, squinting. "Well not here, specifically, but I've been in this place before."

"No," Hermione said slowly. "You haven't. You aren't Cedric anymore. You're Edward. Edward Cullen."

"Dazzling," said Draco, his eyes sparkling with awe.

"Smolder your eyes at me Edward," Bella had suddenly grasped onto the front of Edwards shirt and was clinging on, her knees suspended in midair. Edward doubled over, falling on top of her. "SMOLDER YOUR EYES!"

"Oh…my…God…" Hermione-Mia said as she watched the revolting display before her. Bella was licking Edwards face, moaning loudly as she tried to dry hump him. Edward was grasping on to the leg of the coffee table, desperately trying to free him self from Bella's grasp. It rather looked like a python trying to swallow a large mammal whole with out success. "What in the hell does that mean anyway?" Mia asked Draco.

"Oh, it's this thing you do with your eyes…" Draco lifted an eyebrow up, trying to look sexy and then began to strain, looking as though he were laying an egg or taking a rather large shit. He grunted and then stuck a pose, throwing his thumbs out and bending his knees. His pale face started to turn purple as he tried to channel every lustful thought through his eyes into Mia's perfect form.

"Still doesn't make any fucking sense," Hermione said. Draco slumped over and began to pant. "Smolder," she started in her canonish know-it-all tone of voice. "To burn with out fire; to exist or continue in a suppressed state or without outward demonstration; to display repressed feelings, as of indignation, anger, or the like."

Draco just stared dumbly. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I could see smoldering eyes but to smolder your eyes at some one?"

"It's a vampire thing," Edward gasped as he managed to pull himself free from Bella who began to pout.

"Look," Draco said as he pulled a book from his book bag and handed it to Hermione. It was called _The Suethor's Guide to Vampires and Other Sexy Figures from Folklore. _Draco opened it and pointed to a paragraph. "Read."

"_Okai, so lik, vampires are really sexxi and stuff and will sedoos u and then kill you and stuff so here are some sines and stuff to look 4 win trying to identifi a sexy vamp. If he or she is rilly rilly sexy and has eyes that can smolder. If ther skin sparxles. If they listen to totally kewl music. HAVE SECKZ WITH ON CONTACT. ITS GUD STUFFS I PRMISE! _

"They both have to die," Hermione concluded, looking quite startled. No one heard her however.

--

The next day, Mia, Harry and Ginny were walking back from Quidditch practice (you know for appearances and stuff) when Edward approached Harry. He was gasping for air as he'd just ran all the way from…somewhere…doing vampire stuff or what ever the hell vampires do in their off time. No one could figure out what exactly Edward and Bella were doing there or what it could accomplish. Neither of them could do magic but they attended every class with Hermione and Draco. The results were quite disastrous, especially in Potion's class. Snape had to perform CPR on Bella more than once, though he'd much rather just let her suffocate on what ever noxious potion fumes she'd managed to create but he thought it was better for the safety of his other students if he did so. And he didn't want people to think he was a prick or anything. Because he's totally not.

Anyway, Edward approached Harry, gasping for air. He was doubled over and held out a finger to them, signaling that he needed a second to catch his breath. Finally, he regained his composure and stood fully as he ran his fingers through his hair in such a way that made Ginny orgasm so hard she shrieked and fell over in a pool of sweat. Hermione seemed to be immune to his sexiness. Her sexiness seemed to counter act with his and when they both stood in the same room, it made people blind with the sparkliness. A few students had developed tumors in their eyes it was so bright. Since they were almost always in the same room at the same time, most students and teachers had taken to wearing sunglasses around, day and night. The only person who didn't seem scared or bothered by Edward and Bella was Draco.

"Harry," Edward said, nothing paying any attention to Ginny who was writhing on the ground in painful orgasmic pleasure. "I've just heard word about the first task. Dragons."

"What?" Harry said.

"Hagrid showed me! The first task is dragons! I think we have to get past them some how."

"You do realize that the Tri-wizard tournament was like, three years ago, right?"

"What?" Edward said, lifting a sexy shimmering eyebrow. "No, the first task in November."

"No, look, Edward," Harry said as he put his hand on Edward's shoulder. "You aren't Cedric Diggory. I'll tell you how it ends. We tied in the maze, the cup was a Portkey that sent us straight into Voldemort's arms, where his faithful minion, Peter Pettigrew killed you right off, then Pettigrew made this freaky ass potion that brought Voldemort back, we faced off, I managed to get away and made it back to Hogwarts with your body. People freaked out cause none of them have ever seen a dead body.

"That and I was the one who told you about the dragons, not the other way around."

"Oh," Edward said. He looked around and then back at Harry. "Do I know you?"

"Well, how could you not? I'm Harry Fuckin' Potter."

"Oh puh-lease," Edward said as he rolled his eyes. "I'm Edward Fuckin' Cullen, bigger than Jesus Christ."

"John Lennon said the same thing and we all know how his story turned out," Hermione said waspishly.

Edward scoffed, turned on one heel and stalked off.

--

As weeks passed, an eerie sort of calm had fallen all over the students. It was like the quiet calm before a particularly hectic storm was about to hit. The air was alive with electricity of certain events to be. Everyone could feel it, Mia could tell by the way they all seemed to walk; stiffly with their eyes straight ahead. No one spoke to each other for more than three words. Even the teachers had seemed to have taken a vow of silence.

Also, everyone had also taken to wearing mostly dark colors that were also trendy. Skinny jeans, band t-shirts and Chucks seemed to be the popular choices. It was as if Hermione was living in a cult sect with Edward and Bella being the leaders. Every time they would walk down the hall, students would part and line up against the walls and would start bowing. If any one bad mouthed the duo, they would mysteriously disappear, to where no one was sure of. It infuriated Hermione like nothing else. It should have been her they were bowing down in front of. It should have been her that made them all tremble in fear.

Mia had tried to think of several ways to off the fuckers but alas it seemed as though they were nearly inseparable and some what invincible. It floored Mia that there was just no way to kill off the girl. The girl fell down the stairs at least twice a day, caught on fire at least three times a week and was hit in the head with heavy objects quite often. Of course, Mia instigated these things, figuring she'd kill the girl first because she seemed to be the easiest but it never worked though no one noticed it was her because Bella was cutely accident prone any way.

The penis clad one (or at least she assumed) was harder to kill than the girl was. He had super fast reflexes and could pick a single flea from one mangy mutt in one swipe, eat it and make several fan girls swoon all in less than three seconds. She hadn't even tried to kill them because he seemed virtually impossible to kill. He didn't seem to feed on human blood either which caused no alarm in the school if the school population even cared that he was a vampire. One thing was certain to Mia anyway: there could only be one perfect person in the school and she'd be damned if she let some beautiful man vamp get in the way of her title. Oh no sir. He was dead meat. It was just a matter of figuring out how.

One day, several weeks after Bella and Edward had come to stay, Hermione flounced back to her room, only to be surprised with the horrifying image of Shari sitting in an over stuffed black and white checkered bean bag chair, scribbling away in a journal as Happy Bunnies and Ruby Gloom stared glossily from their stationary and two dimensional prisons upon Shari's wall. Shari was wearing the same clothes every one else was wearing in the school, save for Mia. It was disturbing.

"Holy shit," Mia gasped. Shari looked up and stared dolefully at her. "What in Christ's name happened to you?"

"I figure," Shari started as she stared off into space. "If you can't beat them, join them."

"No," Mia huffed, letting Hermione show through. "That's not right at all."

"You cannot beat Twilight, Mia," Shari said with a sigh. "I've tried and failed. And look at this!" Shari gestured around the room, mainly at the posters. "I fucking hate Happy Bunnies. 'Oh look at me, I'm cynical and cute so therefore I must be cool!' Fucking lame."

"If you can help me, I can beat them."

"And what makes you so sure?"

"There can only be one perfect being in this school and I was here first," Mia said with a huff. Her pink flowing short skirt rustled with the movement.

"Look, this isn't safe, alright," Shari said. "Twilight is one big demon monster that's gotten so out of control, no one can stop it. The best thing I can tell you to do is just to wait it out. Eventually something equally bad or worse will be published. Fads fade."

"Not good enough," Mia said, looking determined. "I'll find a way to do it with out your help if I need to. I thought of all people you'd be the most willing to help but clearly I was wrong. Now let me in."

"Oh Jesus, now I'm obligated," Shari moaned. She threw her journal aside and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, this didn't come from me alright? You know that Hillbilly foreign exchange student? He and his friends have been researching this epidemic. If any one knows anything about how to stop this nonsense, they'll be the ones."

"Thank you," Mia beamed. Shari's portrait swung forward and Mia skipped in. Thankfully Bella and Edward were gone, but Draco was lying on the couch while Ginny, just like her mum, was nursing the black eye Draco was sporting.

"What happened to you, fagbag?" Mia asked, some what amused. Ginny stepped back and ran out of the portrait hole before Shari's portrait swung closed or the author had to write any more lines for her. Seriously, she isn't needed yet but she's conveniently tucked away safely else where, safe and sound. Just pretend like she doesn't exist at this point. It's easier that way.

"I don't…know," Draco moaned as he sat up. "I…I...-" Draco stopped short as a fresh round of tears over whelmed him. "I was just telling this first year who didn't know what Twilight was all about the series and I was telling him about how the author tried to pull off a whole Romeo and Juliette juxtaposition thing but it didn't really work because Romeo and Juliette is a tragedy and it can't be redone any other way…" He shuddered. "I just said that people shouldn't try to better classics because that's why they're classics! The next thing I know, I've been stunned and pulled into a dark hallway where they beat me up and said horrible things about me because I was bad mouthing Twilight! I was just telling the truth! That doesn't mean I hate the books or anything!"

Draco dissolved in to uncontrollable sobs, his shoulders shaking. Mia felt sort of bad for him, which was odd. Was she starting to like him? He was handsome and rich after all. And for once, he wasn't the bad guy. He was the victim. This was the last straw.

--

Lonny Earl and the boys were in the computer lab, formally the Defense Against the Dark Arts class room when Mia managed to track them down. It was an odd sight really. They had completely hillbillfied the room. There were hay stacks and bundles of sticks lying around, but the four hillbilly boys were all clicking away furiously at the computers.

"Have you figured out anything about the vampire and girl yet?" Mia said as he leaned over Johnny Boyd's shoulder.

"Well, we originally started this business so we could stop the fangirls from flamin' our school," Lonny Earl said from his station. He took a swig out of a large jug filled with milky brown liquid and winced.

"Ya'll best be careful of that apple cider," an old man sitting in a rocking chair in the corner said. "It's extree strong. Fermented long after it was fermented. Might make ya'll blind."

"Who is that," Mia asked with her nose scrunched in disgust. The old man had a stench of a thousand dead rodents and his gums were brown and dead. He only had two teeth to show off which were also brown and dead. White hair sprouted out of his ears and nose though he only had a scarce head of hair and an uneven snarled grey beard.

"This here is my grandpappy, Colonel Bob Billy Dallas, only we jest call him the Colonel," Lonny Earl said.

"Much obliged Miz Zambini," the Colonel said.

"How'd you know?"

"Well aint'cha know? The Colonel is a prophet," Johnny Boyd said. "The greatest fortune teller in the un-ee-verse."

"And I'mma tell ya'll right now that it ain't the vampire you gotta worry about," The Colonel said. "He can't be defeated 'till the girl is dead and I'mma tell ya'll she ain't gonna be defeated easy like neither." Suddenly the old man's body began shaking violently, causing Mia to jump and scream a bit. His eyes were shut tight and his mouth was open further than Mia had ever seen a mouth open. A sort of white mist was streaming out of his mouth, like he was smoking a particularly large invisible blunt. "There shall be two who can defeat the evil ones," his voice was loud and demonic and sounded as though his vocal cords were made of millions of bees. "There shall be two, one for each and the one, the evil most foul, shall be defeated with a spork."

"A spork?" Mia asked.

"He's gone a bit in the head," Lonny Earl said with his eye brows knitted together in concern as he patted the Colonel on the shoulder. "State wanted us to put him in a home since my granny died but the Colonel took good care of me since I was a baby cause my parents got killt in an awful possum hunting accident. I jest couldn't do that to him. So I brought 'im here."

"Who are these two that can defeat the evil ones?" Mia asked. She fancied the idea of one of them being her, in fact it probably was her. Who else could it be?

"Don't know who they is," the Colonel said, looking completely normal (normal for him anyway) again. "But they'll reveal themselves when the time comes."

"Well that's a lot of fucking help," Mia said.

"Well, we think we might know who one of 'em is," Johnny Boyd said. "The one who can defeat the vampire. And we think we know how we can bring 'em here too." He motioned for Mia to look at the computer screen. All she could make out was a bunch of small text, a bunch of it, which just confused her. She didn't come here to read, she hated reading now. "See this here website is full of fanfiction. I was lookin' around out some fanwhosists, lookin' for some really bad 'uns to troll and I came across this here."

Mia bent over and began to read, only to find that every little thing she was doing at that second was appearing on the screen in text form. It was really weird. She looked up and around, thinking she might find some sort of recording device but could find none.

"At first we thought we was stuck in some sort of paradoxwhatsit but we done figured we could use this to our advantage," Lonny Earl said. "All we gots to do is troll this here story and write in one of the chosen ones."

"Have you any inkling as to who that is?" Mia was doubtful, even more so at thought of these dumb hicks writing anything.

"Well that sure ain't nice," Johnny Boyd said, frowning. "I'll have you know missy, I used to write articles for the 'National Inquirer'. Ain't nobody gonna say that I'm just some dumb hick."

"I didn't say it," Mia said. "I just thought it. Getting back on track, who were you thinking of?"

Johnny Boyd looked at Lonny Earl who in turn looked at Johnny Boyd again and then the both of them looked at Mia with shit eating grins on their faces.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayermatiser," they said in unison.

--

It was an especially dark night since clouds blocked out the moon and stars. Lightening lit up the sky and the grounds of Hogwarts and if any body happened to look out a window, between the flashes of lightening they would see a lone figure dressed all in black with something pointy clutched in her fist. Of course no one did so when she burst through the doors, people stopped and stared, horrified by the sight of the determined looking blonde woman dressed in a black leather body suit that squeaked every time she moved.

"Where's the vampire," she asked, looking around at all of the confused young faces. No one responded of course. Buffy sighed. "Look, I came here for a reason. I'm not wasting this stake so if no one tells me where the vampire is, this stake is still going to be used and I'm not picky about who I use it on."

A red-headed freckled girl stepped forward, looking pale and frightened.

"Follow me," she whispered. Buffy smiled sweetly at the rest of them and followed Ginny Weasely through the hall ways and up and down some stairs until they ran into a beautiful girl with golden brown curls that fell around her face and down her back with large honey chocolate eyes and rose petal lips.

"You're the one?" the perfect girl asked.

"I guess," Buffy said with a shrug. "What sort of vampire are we talking here? Evil and wanting to kill every single mortal until the streets run with blood or just your typical every day run of the mill demon vampire who just wants to cause a bit of mayhem and drink some blood?"

"Worse," Mia stated. "A sparkly vegetarian vampire who's extremely beautiful and dazzling."

"Um…FYI, that's not a vampire," Buffy said. "And you sparkle and are beautiful and dazzling."

"Oh puh-lease," Mia said as she rolled her eyes. "Vampires are so fucking lame. Anyone who is any one knows that werewolves are teh awesome, doi."

"So in pirates versus ninjas you'd choose-"

"Ninjas, no doubt. Anyway, this vampire is invincible, it seems and a simple staking won't do it."

Mia explained the situation in as much detail she could muster to Buffy. As Mia went on Buffy's face began to sag with concern and worry. She explained that Bella must be killed first because the creator of the two tried to re-write Shakespeare and did an abysmal job at it. It seemed as though the author had no concept of tragedy so therefore they had to create a tragedy for Edward. Only then could he be defeated. Mia also went on to explain that Buffy would not be able to kill Bella because there was another who had to do the job, which Mia assumed was herself.

"I'm pretty sure I can kill her," Mia said. "I know this cool trick where you push like five pressure points on the body that will make your heart explode."

"Like on Kill Bill?" Buffy said.

"Oh yeah, I guess not then. But Bella is only a human and can therefore die unless Edward turns her into a vampire, which is why we have to hurry. I know for a fact he's planning on doing that eventually. The author is no good at foreshadowing and is completely obvious."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Buffy suddenly jumped up. "Christmas? New Years? Ground Hog Day? Martin Luther King Jr. Day? President's Day? Valentines Day? Easter? Memorial Day?"

"Okay, I think you're going over board," Mia said as Buffy kept rattling off more American Holidays.

They found Edward and Bella sitting at the Slytherin table next to Draco and the Slytherin Sue and Stu squad in the Great Hall. The enchanted ceiling had been perpetually orange and fiery since the mysterious appearance of Edward and Bella. It was as though it was mimicking the coming apocalypse. Every one was eating in sync with each other, lifting their forks at the same time, chewing in the same rhythm as though they were robots. The only thing any one could talk about was Bella and Edward and how perfect they were for each other.

Mia jumped up onto the teacher's table knocking over several plates and spilling hot coffee all over Snape's lap. Snape merely sat there, his eyes glazed over as he looked up Mia's mini skirt, completely oblivious to the third degree burns he had just procured thanks to Mia. She had a samurai sword drawn and was pointing it towards the eating students. No one seemed to notice she was there.

"Bella Swan," she bellowed. Everyone looked up at once. "I'm calling you out!"

Bella looked up, pale and surprised at the commotion. She stood slowly and narrowed her eyes at Mia. She smiled sweetly but evilly.

"Kill the bitch," Bella screamed. Several people dressed in pirate garb flew forward towards Mia and Buffy. Mia held her samurai sword at the ready while Buffy fended them off by kicking the crap out of most of them with several epic flips and karate kicks. Only one made it through Buffy to Mia. He smiled sadistically.

"Yarr," he said as he took a swipe at Mia with his curved sword. Mia dodged out of the way just in time. The pirate's sword hit the teacher's table and splintered the wood. Mia jumped up and held the tip of the blade to the pirate's neck, barely grazing his skin. The pirate grinned, baring two golden front teeth with an apple engraved in one.

"There can only be one," Mia declared lowly and then pushed the blade directly into his throat. He gave a shocked scream as Mia summoned the strength to lift the hilt of the sword and the pirate with it. His legs kicked in the air as he tried to push him self off of the blade. The blade ripped the skin upward with his struggle until the shiny blade of the sword tore into his jaw. He did manage to push his self off but only because the sword had split his head neatly in two. He fell to the ground with a sickening thump. Mia looked around the Great Hall and noticed that every one was too horrified to do much of anything. They just sat there like great lumps, staring at the body on the ground.

"You may all panic now," Mia said. And so, every one jumped up and flooded out of the Great Hall screaming and crying until there was only Mia, Buffy, Edward, Bella and Draco left.

"Mia," Draco called. "Have you any idea what you're doing?"

"I know exactly what I'm doing ,ferret," Mia called back hoarsely. "There's only one dominate sue in this story and it's not either of them! They must die!"

"You'll kill us all!" Draco said. "They cannot be killed and if they are you will doom us all to the incessant whining of disgruntled Twilight fans!"

"This is between me and them," Mia snarled. "Stay out of it!"

"Listen to him, Mia," Edward said quietly. "We cannot be defeated. Bella's almost died like a million times and hasn't. And me, well there's no stopping me at all. It's better this way. Don't you see that?"

"No," Mia said as she examined her nails. "I don't."

With her cat like reflexes, Mia pulled a silver dagger from her boot and flung it at Bella. It whistled through the air but missed by only a centimeter. Bella had jumped aside just as it was about to make contact with her forehead. She looked startled at first as she watched the dagger clatter to the floor, but then as she turned around and looked at Mia, she smiled evilly.

"Silly rabbit," she said with a slight giggle. "Trix are for-"

"Ho's," Mia finished with a wide smile. She hopped off the table with and sashayed towards Bella with Buffy stomping behind her. Bella stood completely still as Mia approached her.

"Try it," she whispered. "I dare you." Edward started forward, his nostrils flared and his fangs bared but Bella pushed him back. "Let her," she screeched. "Let her try! She will see!"

The two stared down at each other as Mia tried to figure out the best and most creative way to kill Bella. It had to be violent and bloody. Buffy stood by, waiting for the right moment to shove a stake through Edward's chest.

Mia flexed her fingers around the handle of her sword. The movement was slight but Bella noticed and looked down for a split second and the moment she did, Mia swiftly punched Bella in the throat. Bella stumbled backwards and clutched at her throat, unable to do anything as Mia raised the sword and brought it down with a loud shriek. It took a moment to realize that Mia had neatly severed Bella's head. Her head fell to the ground and rolled under a table, out of sight, but the body took a couple of steps forward and then jerked and swayed before it fell to the ground. Blood began to pour out of the top of her neck.

"Holy _shit," _Draco yelled as he back pedaled away from the scene. Edward's eyes were wide. He'd suddenly lost most of his sheen. He was still pale but rather than being attractive he looked sickly. Buffy raised the stake above her head with two hands but as she was about to bring down, a thick green gas began to leak out of Bella's neck with a loud hiss.

"Wait," Mia told Buffy. The gas quickly filled the room and blinded every one. When it finally cleared, Bella was standing in front of them once more, cackling with mad laughter. She was much plumper than she was before hand looked about ten years older.

"Fools," she said. "Did you not realize that I am the one who created Bella? You cannot kill me for I am all powerful!"

"Of course," Mia muttered. "A self-insert."

"And since you cannot destroy me, you cannot destroy Edward! I represent every misfit teenaged girl out there who's ever wanted to be special, I _am _them and they are me! You cannot kill me for my faithful minions will destroy you if you even try!"

"Not so fast," a voice from behind them called. Mia spun around and saw a young woman standing in the door way wearing a white tank top and a pair of brown baggy pants. The girl looked familiar but she couldn't quite place the face at the moment. "I'm here to knock your fucking socks off, bitch."

"Shari," Mia gasped.

"In the ma'fuckin' flesh," Shari said with a grin.

"But how did you…"

"Oh Lonny Earl figured out who the other chosen one was after I said something about some one needing to spork this bitch. So Johnny Boyd wrote me out of the portrait and well, here I am, I guess," Shari said with a shrug.

"So you're the other chosen one?"

"Yep, and I got this." Shari whipped a golden spork out of her pocket and held it up into the light, where it gleamed brilliantly. Shari then looked around at the two dead bodies and made a face. "God those fuckin' hillbillies are fuckin' violent. Gross."

"You think you can defeat me with a spork?" Bella asked, unbelieving. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Oh yeah," Shari asked with an eyebrow raised. She held the spork out in front of her and pointed it at Bella. "I think your writing sucks, I think you need to buy a fuckin' thesaurus because I think you beat the world record of using the word beautiful and dazzling in one book, Bella is a pretentious whiny little bitch, Edward is perfect and therefore boring, it reads like a fanfiction written by a twelve year old goth girl with a really good beta, none of the characters have any depth and the fact that people compare that shit to Jane Austen is making her turn in her grave so she can fucking vomit dust all over that shit..."

The golden spork began to hum loudly which drowned out the rest of Shari's words. The humming grew steadily into a roar until the spork erupted with a white light that shot out in a wide stream towards Bella who could only stare stupidly at it. In a flash, everyone was blinded but every one could hear the pained shriek of Bella. Once every one was able to see again, Bella was completely gone. Only her clothes were left.

"Now, Buffy!" Mia shouted. Buffy raised the stake once more and impaled Edward with it. Edward stood still for a moment, looking completely serene.

"I'm…free," he said with a faint smile. "Thank you…"

And with that, he exploded into a shower of glittery dust.

And thus, Buffy staked Edward.

The End. (Of this pointless chapter anyway.)

* * *

**Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon, The statement "Buffy Staked Edward" came from a t-shirt that I saw on Jinx(dot)com. Thank you to Ashes Falling who was kind enough to review Buffy's lines since I'm not familiar with the show and gave me the idea to feature Buffy. U ROX! **


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